Horse Husbandry
Horse Husbandry
This section of the newsletter will give you some helpful advice in self-diagnosing your level of Horse Husbandry, and perhaps provide some laughable entertainment along the way. Many of you don’t know what you’re in for, or have been doing this for way too long, or maybe you're just plain in denial about being in a three-way relationship where one of you has four legs! Read on.
What are the levels of Horse Husbandry?
Level One: “I have always loved horses”
If you’ve heard these words, you have entered Level One. This is the happiest stage you will enjoy. The expenses are low, barn drama has not set in, there’s no manure smell to worry about, and the only thing you're sharing your significant other with are Facebook and/or Instagram horse ads.
Level Two: “It would make me so happy if I could have a horse of my own”
At this level, the idea of leasing or buying a horse becomes a real possibility. You will begin to learn different horse breeds. Avoid looking at the price, and never say things like “That one's cute, it’s only $300!” The bigger issue with Level Two will be fitting in to barn life. The nicer barns will often be the farthest away. You will learn that along with a horse purchase comes a new wardrobe for your partner and their new four-legged family member. What to name “it” will be a conversation that is sure to make your partner swell with love.
*You should feel indifferent at this stage
Level Three: “Since boarding takes money, and the drive to the barn is so long, wouldn’t it better to just keep the horse in the backyard?”
On the surface, the thought of having a new horse friend in the backyard may seem rational. It may also help you avoid the expensive ¾-ton truck and trailer your partner is “looking into.” However, resist this level at all costs! The amount of manure smell will increase exponentially. You will find weeds and hay in your clean underwear and sock drawers. A saddle, several pairs of boots, and steadily multiplying breeches will begin to appear around your home at this level. You begin to drink your morning coffee out of horse-themed mugs, which also disappear from your house as quickly as they came. You'll begin to hear the term “horse bling” around your home; especially after 7pm when wine is present.
*You should begin to feel alarm at this stage
Level Four: “You go on honey. I’ll take care of things here”
A “DIY” spirit becomes second nature to any horse person at this level, as it is the purest demonstration of true horse passion. Get used to hearing, “If I can tell a 1500-lb. animal what to do, I can do ANYTHING." At this level, things begin to come easier for you, and your partner will often invite you up to the barn simply to enjoy things again. At this level, you’ve most likely given in to the truck purchase, and you've figured out where to park that new horse trailer. However, the order in which the trailer and truck are purchased is interchangeable (who cares if you own a 3-horse trailer and a Toyota Prius?). You're often the one bringing picnics and drinks to enjoy with your animal on a weekend afternoon. If you offer to ride the horse you will score BIG points in this level. Learn terms like “inside leg/outside rein, heels down, and two-point” and you will sound like a movie star to your partner. If your partner needs to go away for work or another commitment, offer to take care of the horse; it will make you feel good, and guarantee you a good gift upon their return. But be prepared to write a book about what happened during those three days — with pictures.*
*You should feel some relaxation around the horses at this stage
My advice? Get through all the levels as quickly as possible. It will build for a lasting, loving, relationship. Oh, and your partner will be happy, too.
-Anthony Ricardo
